Freedom to Explore
Spirituality has been a driving force throughout my entire life. By high school, this became complicated for me. There was very little spirituality in my home that resonated with me. As an educator and champion of young children and their families, my mom seemed to be driven by a kind of social justice that was practical and tough yet loving. My perception was that she couldn’t be more disinterested in spirituality or philosophy. Her evangelical faith was about the basics, and they informed her justice. My dad was a physicist who was fascinated by lasers and light, more than I could ever explain. I used to think he was much more philosophical than my mom, but now I have a hunch he mostly used philosophy as a way to get closer to me. If there’s any truth to that, well, I’m thankful.
There was just this unspoken rule in my family: the Bible has all the answers we need for our lives. At church, it was the cardinal rule. So, I diligently tried to read it and understand it for decades. But here’s the thing: I was thoroughly bored by the Bible. Even by middle school, the spiritual philosopher in me knew this book, taken literally, was a quagmire of diametrically opposed ideas alongside barbaric, nightmarish, and gruesome tales. In my early 20s to early 40s, I became increasingly disgusted with all of this required blood sacrifice and angry deity nonsense, but in my early years, these concepts were just totally boring. This is not how I saw life, at all. But I really wanted to please my parents, so I dug in deep. It never stuck, especially the Old Testament. I had one Sunday School teacher when I was in 6th grade who was really into all the violence, torture, and rape shit in the Old Testament. His name was Otto and he acted like he really didn’t want to be teaching us, but did it out of some sense of duty. He forced us to memorize really obscure and bloody passages. I refused, and on a couple of occasions, got spanked by him with a belt for my disobedience. While I would go home, cry, and feel ashamed, there was a deeper part inside of me that was proud of myself and my rebellion. I was just unconscious of that part of me at that age.
When I left Christianity and the Church in 2020, I distinctly remember one of my first euphoric realizations: I don't ever, ever, ever have to read the Bible again! I always read the Christian mystics/rebels. They inspired me. If the Bible was classical music, the mystics and rebels were jazz: the older and newer mystics alike. But when I left the Church, I felt I now had permission and time to read all of the authors outside of what was accepted in my faith tradition. So, I devoured Jung, Nietzsche, Freud, Adler, Erickson, Dass, Chopra, Toltec Wisdom, and all things related to hypnosis and the subconscious mind. By 2022, I was deeply exploring and resonating with evolutionary astrology, Human Design, and the Gene Keys.
Spiritual seeking became fun again! I write all of this with tears in my eyes. My whole life, I have spent so much time and energy trying to fit into this Christian system, in both Protestant and Catholic forms. Now I just live by my own system. I used to try and read the Bible so I could follow Jesus Christ. Now I have all of these spiritual tools/mirrors I use so I can be a fantastic follower of Chris. 😉
Sometimes my mind slips back into old subconscious patterns that seek to remind me I will be much safer (due to being loved by the tribe) if I submit to the system. But it’s getting easier and faster to wake up when I fall back asleep. This isn’t due to some innate talent; it’s through sheer grace and practice. What I realize now is that what the Church and society tell me is true and best is just part of the programming. So now I listen to myself. I trust my body and my heart, as they hold incredible amounts of knowledge and wisdom about what is right for me, what is meant for me, and why I am here. This awakening has been excruciatingly lonely and downright terrifying at times, with seasons that have lasted for months on end. Sometimes, I’ve wondered if I would ever feel safe or sane again.
I have an insatiable appetite for spiritual exploration; it’s one of my favorite things about myself. I go where my/the spirit leads. It’s the furthest thing from boring because it involves all of my senses, emotions, sensuality, sexuality, and psychic intuition. I keep thanking my former self for all of the struggles he had to go through to get me here. I’m beyond grateful for him. He got us here. He was told to be a masculine warrior, but he knew he was here to be a feminine warrior, to plumb the depths of the darkness because that’s where the light is… hiding in the darkness.